Why Am I Not Successful?
My mind is a mess; I constantly have a million tabs open and struggle to focus.
I’m a project starter, not a project finisher, and new ideas hit me before I get a chance to complete one thing.
I’m constantly hungry for change. Staying still is boring; I want new projects and new challenges to start (but apparently not finish).
I find it painfully hard to focus on tasks I don’t enjoy, particularly when they’re long, but I can spend hours working on something I love and lose all sense of time.
Sound familiar?
Is There Something Wrong With Me?
I have been trying to understand my mind for five years since starting my business. I am trying to understand my motivations or lack thereof, and why I haven’t managed to make a success of my freelance career so far.
Sometimes, I have felt completely defeated and wanted to return to a normal job, but I’m very comfortable with my working from home, completely flexible lifestyle that allows me to prioritise the things I value most, like family.
So, I’m determined to figure it out and overcome it to have a career and life I enjoy much more.
Am I Just Lazy?
Laziness is one possible explanation for why I have not succeeded thus far.
I just don’t want to work. I want to play, have fun, and explore new things without the pressure and responsibilities of being an adult, for which money is necessary.
I spend a lot of time in a day (and night) dream world where I have won the lottery and can buy my dream house, and I spend hours figuring out what my ideal day would look like and what I would spend my time and money doing.
Is it that I don’t want to work? Or is it that I haven’t found what I can profit from that doesn’t feel like work? In the lottery-winning fantasy, I spend too much time in, I’m not doing nothing. I still create art and make videos, and I have projects that keep me entertained and from which I could make money.
Am I just lazy, or do I need to find work I love?
Am I Destined to be a Mum?
My excuse for not succeeding in a career for years has been the fact that I have always been certain I want to be a mum, but a career has never really interested me.
My natural female instinct (overwhelming urge) to be the raiser of babies and maker of the home has been my explanation for putting less effort into a career.
That and the uncertainty, the not knowing what to do.
Some of my friends knew what they wanted to be from primary school. When asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” They'd answer vet, and I'd answer mum.
Outside of having children, I hadn’t a Scooby!
Unfortunately, being a Mum is not an option currently, and I need money, so I must keep looking for the answer.
Am I Multi-Passionate?
More recently, I have been exploring the idea of being multi-passionate.
Maybe my inability to decide on a career path was due to the fact that there were too many options, and I wanted to try them all.
When making subject choices in school, I hated giving some subjects up in favour of others. Of course, there were subjects that I was drawn to more than others, but there were often multiple subjects in the same category I wanted to pursue but had to drop as we had to choose one per category.
Analysis paralysis and decision fatigue were terms I heard of when I got older, and I realised at every crossroads in my life that I have had to make a decision I have struggled to make it. I hate choosing one option because doing so eliminates all the others.
I now enjoy web design, brand design, video editing and art. I want to do everything at once and make money from them rather than my current SEO work.
But doing all of these things isn’t conducive to success, so I have to pick one. Picking one means dropping the others, so I pick none and then don’t succeed. Or, I pick one, feel torn and drawn to the others, lose focus on what I should be pursuing, and not succeed. And so the cycle repeats. Here I am, five years in, making pennies and not enjoying what I’m doing.
Do I Have ADHD?
In the last month, I have been fed more content on social media about ADHD and its symptoms. I have learned that there are a few types of ADHD. There’s the hyperactive kind, which didn’t sound anything like me. But then there's the inattentive type. Now, this resonated a lot with me. I don’t tick every box in the inattentive category, but I tick enough to make me question if I have it.
I hate jumping on the bandwagon and following the crowd. If multiple people are shouting about watching the latest Netflix series, I’m avoiding it like the plague.
There are a few celebrities I’ve seen mention their recent ADHD diagnosis and the last thing I want to do is jump on the bandwagon or feel like I’m trying to label myself something to fit in with the latest group label and feel a part of something. I don’t need to be a part of anything; I’m quite happy on my own doing my own thing. Whether I’m normal, different, amazing, average, or whatever, I don’t need to label it.
But I can’t ignore the fact that some of the symptoms of ADHD are very present and impacting my work life. I watched a video on YouTube of an American medical professional talking through the symptoms. “If you’re over 17 and have five or more of these symptoms, then you’re likely to have Inattentive ADHD”. I have five:
Difficulty sustaining attention in tasks - this is a lack of focus. I'm not focused for long if I’m not interested or the task is too long. I will reread paragraphs because they don’t go in the first time. I struggling to get through my SEO tasks, which take over an hour.
Not listening to when being spoken to directly - multiple times recently, I have had to ask Mum to repeat parts of our conversation because I have zoned out and my brain has left the conversation.
Often doesn’t follow through on tasks - The amount of projects I have started and not finished. My poor friends loyally follow any new Instagram that I start, hoping it will be the thing that promotes my next venture, only to get to 60 followers and be deleted.
Avoids or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained attention. If I see a 2-hour task in my job list, it’s getting pushed along my list. I’ve tried eating the frog and doing it first thing, but I procrastinate on those bad boys like nothing else. Even an hour task can be pushing it sometimes.
Easily distracted by extraneous stimuli - I don’t know how I used to manage in an office with other people talking and the radio on, but now I can’t work with noise on. I sit on my own in silence, and when a cow moos, a car pulls up, or anything happens outside, my attention is easily pulled away from my work if I’m not enjoying it. (If I like the task, I can work for hours without realising how much time has passed.)
All of these symptoms are things I’m really struggling with currently. My new friends in an accountability group I’m a part of have experience with ADHD and have made some great recommendations for podcasts, etc, to take a look at, and I have made a start. I’m reluctant to get a diagnosis, but just knowing that this could be a possible reason for my lack of focus and subsequent lack of career success is somewhat of a comfort.
To Sum Up
Regardless of whether I officially have ADHD or not, the symptoms are still present in my life and holding me back, and I need to address them in order to progress with my business and life. So here begins my journey to figure out a solution.
I wanted to share this with you as, just a few months ago, I had no idea that the things I experience so frequently in my life that cause me so much frustration could be symptoms of a disorder rather than just laziness.
It was through others sharing their symptoms that I realised this might be something I have, and it was a warm, comforting lightbulb moment. Maybe I have done the same for you; if not, you just got to know me better and why my website might constantly be changing!
